A Woman Called Sage--by DiAnn Mills

Tiny Earl here at last! Yes'm, it's shore bin awhile. I went fer an eckstindead stay at my UncBob's place in Georgea. Hes got him a hog farm up thataways an he took sick. If yer thinkin he was sick with the piggy flew, yer wrong. Dr told him he had him some stones. Funny we never could figure how he et some stones. I seen ducks do that afore, but I aint never seen a human bean do such like that. Anywho,  while he was a-waitin to pass 'em, I took to takin care o all the piggies on his farm.

Ferst off, I kin tell you that afore you even git to a hog farm, you know its there. You could be miles away and youd a-know you was close to one. Thats fer sure. That thares a stink yer nose wont soon fergit!

Second, they dont call 'em hogs fer nuthin. They do eat slop and such and theys real messy and dirty. I dont think Im every gonna eat me a ham samwich no more, no ways.

But third, some o them pigs is real smart. Im not kiddin. I seen charlottes web before. Now I didnt spect no spidy web with words on it er nuthin, but I didn't know that pigs could use ther noggin so gud. They would a-see me comin with the food and jostle round fer the best spot, knockin the other ones out the way. If I was late, theyd start oinkin and screechin in that high tone piggy voice. Thar ain't no bein late with feedin livestock--speschly hogs. It's either git out thar an feed 'em er lose yer eardrums fer good!

Nuther thang bout UncBob's place I didnt git round to tellin you bout is that he dont have no plummin--jes a two-seater outhouse out back. Wuts worse is you took a risk ever time you went iffin you no wut I mean cause they was a wasps nest mudpacked on the ceiling and while you was a-doin what comes natral (or tryin to), them waspses was menacing you! Theyd be attackin from all sides, like kamakazi divebombers. So I wound up with a little case of being plugged up whilst I was there. Doin what ususwally comes natral was jus too natrally dangrus!

When I got back home, I shore was glad to see my terlot with the jiggly bo-jankety handle. It's aint perfek, but its sivelized plummin! I was so happy to be back home with Charla Ann and the younguns! We went cow tippin and played kick the can and dodge ball (only with a big old cabbage since we didn't have no ball at the time). We had cabbage fer supper from what was left of it. Nuthin goes to waste in the Tiny earl Calhoun household. But we didn't have no ham with that cabbage. Im done with pork products from now on. Fer shore.

Next thang I did was have a looksee at this DiAnn Mills new book trailer bout a woman named fore a Thanksgivin spice. It's reel rell gud too. An you know who done her trailer fer her? Misty Taggert. To me, her name sounds like a Star Trek captin er sunthin and she shore done an out o this world job on this here trailer. Have a looksee fer yerself. It's a good'n. A real 5-mullet wonder! See ya next week!

Tiny Earl Takes On Mr. Bungle

I figured out purdy early in life that I shore nuf was a Mr. Bungle. Washing my hands just wernt at the top of my list o thangs needing to git done. Beesides that, the school I went to didn't have no bathroom--just an outhouse an a Sears catalogue. But it was a two-seater. . .

Mama had real big heir back then an her best 'do's used to git ruint by ceiling fans. Course now she ain't got much hair t'all, which is why she wears one o them turbans. You ever heard that song? "She wore a big ole' turban, she drove a huge Suburban. . ." I bet you did't know this 'bout me, but I was born on a pool table. Back then, nothing much kept mama from the game (plus she had two quarters down).

This time o year is when I moonlight as Santer to make ends meet. I'm alwas real respekful when the photografer aims at me an the litt'n on my lap though. I take the toothpik out my mouth and give him a big cheesecake smile. Me and the Missus, Charla Ann, we're always a-thinkin bout others less fortnate than us too. Fer instance, we tried to give the Salivation Army our old mattress but fer some reason, they wouldn't take it. Course we kept it out on the porch fer a year an let the hounds sleep on it a bit, but it was like new I tell ya. Like new!

We're busy decoratin the Calhoun castle fer Christmas. We ain't got much money so we're making popcorn chains with needles an thread (til I noticed Butch's mouth was on the end eatin' as fast as we was a-stringin!) Charla Ann made some table trees out o aluminum wrap an empty dishwashing bottles. I strung Christmas lights all over the trailer inside an out--course that was bout five years ago I done that. It makes it look so romantikal that way, so we kept 'em. Chadley got real creeative an spray painted the outside o our Cool-Whip salad bowls green. That's the spirit, boy! Then we wrapped some foil around the can o Raid we keep on the table too, dressed it up good an nice. e got to keep the can on the table so's them cucarachas know whose boss. Theys always a-tryin to get a piece o the action on our plates!

We feel blessed this year speshly cause onaconda some folks just upped and dropped off a whole messa good stuff in front o our house. Course, they tol me as they was driving off an I was thankin 'em--they thought we was a recyclin center er sunthin. Imagine that, eh?

Well, I gotta go. Thought I'd run by the junkyard ta see iffn I kin find me a gas cap. I lost mine somewheres an been using a rag to stand in right now/

See ya next week. To all a good night! (That's Santer talk).

Leave me a good message in the commentin' place--okay?

Porter Patty guest reviews The Prayers of Agnes Sparrow--By Joyce Magnin

Hey ya’ll, Porter Patty here fillin in fer Tiny Earl! He hadda take Chadley, Donny’n Butch huntin. Seemz thur freezr got kina lite on chitlins. I hurd Charla Ann uh hollerin at em frum sevin trailerz down. That womun getz down rite cranky win she’s hongry. What we say here at thu park is tru, chitlins ARE a gurlz bes frind. 

And speakin uh chitlins remines me uf this here book movie The Prayers of Agnes Sparrow. Seems thu book was bout some heffer named Agnes, hoo I gess prays a lot and parently ways mor then six hundrud pounds! Now I kin relate to a womun that size cuz Im wunna them plus sise beutys muself. And sides that, I do lotza prayin jus like ol Agnes. 

Yu no thers jus won draw bak to beein a larj womun. Itz those lectric rolly-chares down at Wally World. I wuz jus down thar las Saturday nite. Firs I hadda get wunna thu yungins tu rub sum loshun on mu thies sose I cud skweez intu thu thang. I wuz all did up purty for thu outin too. Had on ma pank strechy shortz and ma WWF tank top. Ma hubby takes me out ta thu Mart ever weeken cuz they gotz plenny uf free samples. We juss turn thu yungins loos in thu toy dupartment and have a good ol fashun date. Itz so romanik. Lass month they had shish-kee-bobs. Well akshully they was veeina weenes on a toofpik, but it wuz a dee-lite! Oh an buy thu way, I saw them piksures ya’ll been postin on thu intranet e-male entitled “Thu Peeples of WalMart.” And I gotta tell ya…my famuly looks purty durn good on thare!

Oh, an bout that book movie, The Prayers of Agnes Sparrow, rote by Miz Joyce Magnin, Im givin it a solid 5 mullets! Why so hi you ax? Cauze it reely made me wanna by thu book. It was like watchin wunna them mystry flix were ya jus gotta no the endin!
Anyhoo, I gotta get tu cookin supper. Chadley just drapped off a mess uh stump pulled chitlins, my favrit! Now ya'll wach this trailer cuz itz a goodern and git down to thu store an pic you up a copy of one today. I no I will!

www.acfwwritersonthestorm.blogspot.com

www.hooklineandbeliever.blogspot.com

www.annetteohare.com

Secrets of Success for Women: Time--by Karen Whiting

A Review by Linda Lou. . .

Time--thar ain't never 'nuf of it to go around. I been bizzier'n a one-legged man walking barefoot on asphalt in July. Sellin my Avon products takes a big ole chunk o time but makin women beeyoutiful is a full time job. (Speshly keeping myself purdy in case I run across Mr. Right). And when I ain't selling butee products, I'm a-runnin this here trailer park, which ain't easy what with all the cheezy cheracters what come around this place.

Karen Whiting put pepper in the gumbo with this here moving picture. It shore spoke to me. The sounds was like a reglar woman's life in the background--what with kids 'n dawgs and such. (The only diffrance is that ain't no sound of a runnin terlot or balonee fryin' up in the pan to go with fresh chickn eggs the chirren plucked up from the neighbor's fence line.) But the pitchers didn't look like what Im used to--them women looked to be dressed fer church. Most o the women I know wear housecoats thats seen better days  with ankle hose rolled to there ankles or tees n' cutoffs cutoff a lil too much iffn you know what I mean. (An I ain't jus talkin bout the younger women neither). So's I give it 5 mullets even though Tiny Earl ain't got one no more. Read on.

News Flash***Tiny Earl got his hair cut short since we talked last. That's right, he ain't gonna hav a mullet no more (least for a while). Charla Ann tol me he's at the barber shop gittn' his hick burn shaved off right now. Iffn' you don't know what that is, that's the hair what groes on the back of a man's neck all the way down to his sholders. Tiny Earl grows hair fast. He's making up for not having a mullet by a-growin a Fu Manchoo stash and some porkchop sideburns. Iffn you axe me, I think the man's goin thru some kinda midriff crysis. . .

Back to man-hair. . .Course some men look like theys wearing a wool coat. My Uncle Jr used to have a real hairy back. When our families would meet at the swimmin' hole and he took his shirt off to jump on in, we used to yelll, "Hey Uncle Jr--you gonna take that sweater off afore you go swimmin!"

I gotta git back to deliverin my butee products. I tell ya--I'm runnin round crazier'n a sprayed roach! 

Leave me a comment, will ya? Talk at ya next week--Linda Lou

Tiny Earl Reviews--The Sacred Cipher by Terry Brennan

Halloooo--from Tiny Earl Calhoun! Hope you folks is doin good. My allergikness is shore acting up. I took some Benniedrill and it left me all swimmy-headed. So scuse me iffin this writin dont make much cents.

Hope you looked at the book movie (up top of the page). It's as big as God's contack lens! This one shore is a goody. Real Miss-tearyus. Lemme know iffn you think so too.

Afore I sat down to watch it,  I tole my yongust boy, Butch to go fetch me a sack o'candy--its' real cheap now. Stores is trying to cell as much as they kin sos they don't git left with a heap o'sweet stuff goin bad after Trik er Treat is up. I like them KitKat bars an hunerd millyun dolar bars too. I could eat me a whol sack o them sweets.

I have to say I thunk this book was bout sumthin else when I furst head of it. When I saw that word "cipherin'" I rembered my skool daze when I took rithmetik an filled up my head till it hurt (that is, when I twernt skippin class.) Learning bout ading up numbers an such is real hard work. I'd just as soon pull a tooth as cipher me sum too plus toos! An then I thunk of them who sipher up gas out other folks cars. But that aint what the book riter rote neither.


Well, Charla Ann's fixed a mess o poke sallet fer lunch sos I better hightail it to the table before she gives me the evil eye. Poke sallet's real good. When I'm finished, I'm gonna sop up my plate fer shore!


She picked the greens over by old Farmer Morrissey's fence down the way. She got to it afore the cows did. My little woman's got her some skills! She done me proud the day she said I do. (She dont wash dishes much thou but we eat most o our 4 squares on paper plates anyways). We done gone green!


See you folk next week. Watch this here book movie and go buy the book. Honk if you love cipherin!

WWII Liberators Series by Tricia Goyer

My Pa's Pa fought in the Dubya Dubya Two--the Big One's what he likeded to call it. That Hitler feller was meaner'n snot. He was part o that Area-yun Race. I don' know where they was a-runnin' off to, but I bet there feet hurt running in them big boots. 

Then a Vet I know here in the "Park" tol me the Area-un race was people what has blond hair and blue eyes an such. I was really scratchin' my head after he tol me that-- iffn' this Hitler feller likeded blond hair and blue-eyed folk so much, howz come he had that greasy scraggled-up black hair and tricked-up 'stash?

I seen this here movie "Chirren o the Dammed" where all these Area-yun aleen kidz took over a town. They could control ever-thang just by a-thinkin about it. I wish I had them UFO powers too (even thu I don't look too aleen.) Just think--I could take ker o all mah chores around this here trailer. I'm always fixin' sumthin that's breakin down. We jiggled the terlot handle fer a year afore I did anythin bout it. If it still does the job, I let it be! But iffn' I had that blondie mop hair and blue Area-yun eyes, I could just think about fixin' stuff an it would be done. But those kidz was bad news. They shore make my boys--Chadley, Donny'n Butch look like angles.

But searusly, you gotta take a gander at this book movie and read these books buy Trisher Goy-err. She writes up a slew of words--like a heaping helpin of possum stew on top o a plate o mac n'cheese. Do I sound hongry? Well I am. Charla Ann ain't home yet from her job at the Piggly Wiggly. By the way, since you'all er my friends an ever-thang, don't buy the meat on special there this week. Let's just say it wasn't on the road long. . .

See ya next week! Leave me a comment about the book movie an tell this here fella iffn' you likeded it.

Linda Lou Reviews "When Did My Life Become A Game of Twister" by Mary Pierce

Hey there, ya'll--it's Linda Lou back from the Beanie Baby Convention. But, but I gotta come clean with you all. I told Tiny Earl I was a-goin' to the Beanie Baby Convention, only it was a Star Trek Convention I really went to. That's right, I went where no trailer folk has gone before. . .

But afore I tell you bout my sperances,  lemme tell you how much I likeded this here trailer. Sometimes life shore nuf is like a game o Twister. I feel all a-tangled up an stuff like my foot is too far yonder and my arm is in Timbukthree an I'm tangled up like a mess o' cheap necklaces in a jewry box. I give it 5 mullets cause it was real real good. They done this one right. I'ma hafta git me that book and take up readin' to boot!

Now, back to Captain Kerk and Mizter Spook.

Okay, so's I know lying's a sin and all, but I jus' couldn't bring  myself to admit I was puttin' my Star Fleet Academy uniform on an "trekkin" past the Delata Kwandrant to a real live sci-fi freak convention. I been a fan o' that show since I was a littl'n (well, maybe not sooo little). It's a whole world o'diffrent from a reglar Beanie Baby Convention. When you git in the elevator at a Star Trek Convention, no matter what floor you're a-goin too, someone always says "Bridge" and they make swooshing sounds when the doors open and shut.

The furst thing I did when I got there was sign up for George Tacky's Interplanatary Cookin' Class where you learn yourself to cook real-life spacey style food. They call thar ketchen a gallery fer some reason. (Mebbe that's a space thing) But I don't git why they even bother cookin' nuthin cause they got them reptilegators that make food outta thin air, like a magic man pullin' a rabbit out a hat an' such. 

Anywhos, George Tacky made a Cling-on dinner called gack thats a-spoused to be a plate full o-worms, only his was just plain ole noodles with aleen-lookin' bean sprouts on top. Now why would anyone think to pull up perfeckly good sprouts from thar garden an' put em' n on thar plate? Nobody'd grow nuthin' that way. You gotta leave 'em in the ground. But searyously, Suelow shore  tauht me some handy dandy tricks in the ketc--er--I mean, galley. Iffn' you don't know it, Cling-ons is critter-lookin' people whos got searowsly messed-up forheads. Basiclly, Cling-ons look like their face caught on fire an somebody put it out with a chain. They're scery-lookin fer shore.

The next thang I did was wot I came there for--I signed up for the William Shatner School of Acting. It's where Captain Kerk learns you how to jab jer gizzards with yer elbows whenever a mean aleen zaps at ya with his er her er it's superhuman powrs. Like that epeesode when the Gorn (lizard dude) atackd Kerk on the plan-et. He shore jabbed hisself a lot in that one an he scounged up his face a bunch too. That's  real live acting hillbility! That Captain Kerk's got all the moves!

Well, mebbe I'll be reveewin next wekk or mebbe Tiny Earl'll be bak. But I shore nuf hope you'll leave a comment bout what you think of the trailer. I'd be much obliged.